A Few Good (Performance) Men

Developer: Did you order my feature cut?

Performance Czar: You want answers?

Developer: I think I’m entitled.

Performance Czar: You want answers?

Developer: I want the truth!

Performance Czar: You can’t handle the truth.

Son, we run on a processor that often stalls, and those stalls have to be prevented so everything runs. Whose gonna do it? You? Your froofy team?

I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for your feature, and you curse the performance team. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That your feature’s death, while tragic, probably saved bytes. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves bytes.

You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me saving bytes, you need me saving bytes.

We use words like L2, swaps, and working set. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very space that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a profiler, and save some bytes. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

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