Some Words About Courage

My childhood friend Unnati wrote an article in response to some things I wrote recently.

In her article she describes, in part, her life experience dealing with the reality of modern workplaces in the last several decades.

I wish I could say that I found her experience incredible. The sad truth is there is nothing incredible about it, it is entirely credible.

Despite the fact that, as Unnati writes, “Rico and I don’t agree on everything”, I will not undertake to disagree. I simply don’t think that would be constructive. How I feel about her experience is perhaps best explained by this variation of Lincoln.

But, in a larger sense, we can neither add nor remove from the life experience of others. The words spoken by those who have struggled are far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say, but it can never forget what they did. It is for us, then, to be dedicated to the unfinished work which they have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be dedicated to the great task remaining before us. [Not actually Lincoln]

It is no accident that I adopt a wartime metaphor from a champion of emancipation.

Instead of critique or analysis, I will tell you something about my own experience and perhaps something about what you may experience yourself, if you undertake to help.

Unnati admonishes us to act, to call out behaviors when we see them, to challenge. I don’t always do this even though I think of myself as an ally. And why not? There are two reasons I’d like to share.

Firstly, I often think that acting in the moment would be unhelpful. I think to myself, “I don’t want to call attention to the victim, that’s probably not what they want right now”, or “I will totally derail this meeting, that will have all manner of unintended consequences”, or “The person making this mistake also deserves constructive help, I should be mindful of this”.

There’s a long list of such things. They might even be right. However, that leaves unspoken the second reason.

I’m scared.

Unspoken is, “I need that person to approve my project, I can’t antagonize them”, “If I speak up they might stop inviting me to these meetings and I need to be here”, “I might get called out for the times I screwed up in a similar way”, and let’s not forget, especially outside the workplace, “That guy seems pretty big, he might punch me in the face.” It might not be a guy — I’m kinda scrawny.

And there is an incredible irony here.

In terms of “likely-to-face-consequences” I am in a very privileged group. White, male, straight, I basically check all the boxes. And I’m afraid? This is, for me, one moment in a week, a month, maybe even a year, but in that moment, I have a small sense of what some of the people I know, and love, are experiencing constantly. For them that fear is just another Tuesday afternoon.

So, we come to some advice from my chair.

When asked about my blogging I often said, “I’m ok doing this because I’m fundamentally willing to be wrong and a blogger has to be ok with that”. Likewise, in this space, perfection is not required. You don’t have to be “SUUUUUUUPER ALLY!” able to solve all organizational dysfunctions with a mere thought! Always knows the right thing to say and when to say it! Able to heal years of trauma with a single 30-minute one-on-one!

It’s nothing like that. It’s more like this:

You have to be ok with the fact that you’re going to screw up from time to time; you have to be willing to listen; you have to be willing to learn; and you have to commit to getting better.

And in the end, you have to be willing to act, to prioritize the needs of some others, and help all the parties to the problem. Even the aggressors.

Depending on who the aggressor is they might need a quiet reminder (I hope that’s enough for me when I screw up — and I will) or they might need a good swift (metaphorical) kick in the pants.

And you’ll need some courage.

Be careful out there.