Some Words About Fear
I want to talk about fear.
I usually talk about things like page faults, cache misses, and joules. But not today.
We don’t always mention fear, but I think it’s part of our shared existence. Maybe I should be more careful with language. It’s part of my experience and I’ve seen it in the experience of many others.
I’ve been doing this gig for north of 40 years, some people reading this will have known me for decades and I’m very good at putting on a brave face when things get rough. Helping to bring stability to an org comes with the territory. But I’m here today to tell you I’m a fake.
There, I said it.
The truth is I get scared like pretty much everyone. I have imposter syndrome (very acutely right now having just started a new role). I think some level of fear is universal in the human condition. We do what we can to manage it on any given day and then something like COVID comes along and kicks our normal right out of orbit. All the usual fears do not go on vacation, but now we have bonus fears, like “Am I gonna get sick and die?!?”, “How will I do my job like this?!?”, “Are my children safe?!?!?”, and lest we forget “Which version of what’s going on do I even believe?!?!?”
And in case that isn’t enough, let’s toss weakness in the tech sector and the risk of losing your job outright into the mix. And through no fault of your own. And there are no answers forthcoming. Anyone who gives you an answer either tells you something like, “nobody knows, really” which is probably the truth or else “don’t worry, it’ll be fine” which is like telling someone “don’t think about elephants” — a sure fire way to get them to think about nothing but elephants.
I’m not going to tell you not to worry. I think some amount of worry is normal, maybe even good. I think that fear is normal and even veterans like me still experience it. You can be a paragon of what it is to be a successful engineer and still have fear.
Among Italians, when something unfortunate happens, something serious, like a death, you might give condolences, but more importantly you give encouragement. Specifically, you say “coraggio” meaning of course, “courage.” And why? Why that word spoken as encouragement or a blessing?
Because in a difficult time those who love you want you to remember that you are loved, that there are good things in your life, and that, if you succumb to despair, you might lose it all. They want you to come out of the other side of whatever happened.
In a professional context, that’s maybe less about love but more about reminders. Reminders like “You belong in your position”, “Your position is well-earned”, “Your present troubles will not last forever”, and “Help is nearby.”
To foster courage, you offer safety. But what is it to feel safe? You can feel safe even in a world of hazards for lots of reasons. You have good intelligence, so you understand the dangers. You have people around you who are looking out for problems and ready to help out when its needed. You have precautions, maybe that’s savings, training, connections; maybe that’s good org-sense keeping a pulse on things so you’ll know about problems before they affect you.
This is an area where people can help you. If you don’t feel safe, a person who is there with you can go a long way to getting you more comfortable. Even a little more comfortable can make a big difference because, again, some fear is normal — we just have to get back to that regular orbit — out of a place where fear is becoming maybe panic.
You see, in good times, even with fear we have more courage (“there can be no courage without fear”), and then, another lovely Italian sentiment is more appropriate, “In bocca al lupo!” which is kind of like “break a leg” but I like it better. It means “Into the wolf’s mouth!” and it’s how your friends wish you good fortune when you are about to do something truly badass. Not because it’s not scary — but because it is!
This state of courage is a place I’d love to see more people. It’s something I try to create when I see fear, and usually I know my team has fear because I also have it. Creating courage is something we can all do. The world is a scary place, we have many pressures, but my limited experience with mental health has taught me one important thing, and it is this: we can all help by showing support for each other. “I am afraid, but I am supported” is a much better feeling than “I am afraid and alone.”
The words are simple: “If something happens that we can’t foresee, I will not leave you to fend alone. If things are afoot that seem unfair, I will speak for you. You are important and valuable. You belong here. I want you here.”
It’s not a cure, but I’ve found those words help; and even after 40 years in this business, I still have to say them to myself.
